Red Letter Revolution

Well, its like 4:07 am and I’ve been crying for about an hour now. I cried so hard I got a nosebleed. I’m sitting here thinking about the time I spent in High School. I was Xanga hopping and found some people I knew from High School. Some are doing well, and some are doing well only by the standards of the world. When I was reading about the lives of so many I had all but forgotten, I felt an emptiness and sadness that is hard to describe. I began to think about all those I knew in High School and interacted with. I, in the depths of my sadness, began to write the names of all those I knew in High School who had needed the Light of Jesus Christ in there lives in my prayer journal. People who had not crossed my mind literally for years. As I wept for them, I thought about all I had done and said. All the times on that drama bus I had been such a lousy bastard. I cried over their pain, their sorrow, their struggle. I am filled to the brim with grief at so many lives wasted. I might’ve been the only Jesus they ever saw to quote a band called red airplanes. And yet, I was so concerned with my own petty troubles. My insecurity, my anger over my parents divorce, and my rage at the injustice visited upon my mother. I was so angry and afraid, and these people, they were just like me. I would debate everyone til I was blue in the face, but my heart, the most important part, was not in it. Where was the fucking love? Where was my love? So much time I have wasted on my useless endeavors. For a man who believes in God, what greater endeacor is there than to serve that God. So many people I have hurt and abused, ignored and irritated, attacked and hated, so many people I have failed. May God forgive me. Please God forgive me. I could have been the light in the darkness, but I wasn’t. There is no excuse for my negligence. I was a terrible example and a terrible human being. And now, the gravity of my actions has finally been realized. I beg God for a chance to change my life, and I ask that you would pray with me. Dear Lord, Abba Father, Creator and Sustainer of the Universe, look with mercy upon a broken and twisted man. God, I ask that you use an imperfect tool for your perfect work. So many times I have failed you, more than I could count, but I want that to change. I pledge to seek your will in all things. Give me the strenght to hold that pledge, and to do what is asked without balking. Let me no longer shame your Holy Name, but rather make me into a fit example. God, allow me to never miss an opportunity to share your word. I ask all this in the name of your Son, Jesus the Christ.